Anxiety just seemed like a natural tendency for me from the very beginning.
I was an anxious kid, always fearful of the dark or strangers.
I was an anxious teenager, always afraid of what others may think of me.
And now in my early 20s, I had just gone through major panic attacks that took about 6 months of therapy to get over.
Although I say I’ve gotten over it, I haven’t really gotten over it. I still have anxiety. Like, a lot of anxiety. And sometimes it’s frustrating. Because that wasn’t supposed to be part of my recovery story. That period was one of the most darkest and strangest times of my life and it was supposed to be like one of those stories that recovered alcoholics shared that went something like, “That night I vowed never again to drink and ever since then I’ve been sober.” But no way. I wish it was as clean cut as that.
And I would really love to say that I’m 100% recovered from having anxiety and panic attacks. But that’s completely false and a part of me feels ashamed of saying that. There still seems to be the residue of all that jazz still stuck on me and I don’t think it’ll ever go away.
Sometimes, I’d just be reading a wonderful book before bedtime, all snuggly and cozy in bed. And then i would suddenly start to feel tightness in my throat and I would get bombarded by thoughts of fear and worry—like, “what is wrong with me? Is something happening here? Why am I getting anxious? I don’t understand!” Then, I would start to hate on myself for getting anxious over nothing! I don’t know where it comes from. And it makes me sad. I think I now realize how in love I was with the idea of “being recovered” so much that I had never really let myself full recover and learn and understand these experiences.
Once I stopped having significant episodes of panic, I tried to move on as fast as I could. Got into a relationship, became involved in school, started to finally have fun again, and even said sayonara to my therapist after 6 months because I felt absolutely wonderful.
Although, I’m grateful that all these amazing things happened in my life, I think the honeymoon stage is over and it’s now time to address the things that still linger. I still have paranoid thoughts sometimes. I still have random anxiety at times. I still worry about death and disease more than the usual human. And I’m beginning to be able to see that that is okay. And to admit to myself that I still have these things in my life that haven’t completely dissolved already makes me feel better about all this. Maybe this phase of healing is where the true mind body soul resolution begins. Yes I still feel the throats tightness. But I’m okay. And I will continue to be okay.
Kisses & Meows,